Smokey, It has come to my attention that your Facebook status is being used to try to take some digs at me. Like your therapist saying you should be independent, and that therefore I should buy you a car. Or that my father said I should buy you a house but you don't want a house, you want a car. And other nonsense..
Since when do you call me by my first name? More disrespect. I find it a shame you cannot come to me with your ideas and interpretations, but must resort to a message such as this, Allow me to clarify your misconceptions. The only things that come to a person's attention on Facebook are those things they choose to seek out. I have found a great group of support people (mostly ladies, many mothers, some even with backgrounds such as mine (which you know nothing about!) and they are a great sounding board -- sometimes for me, sometimes for someone else in the group who is having a difficult time. I have never called you by name nor given them access to any of your blogs, writing, or other such personal information. What I tell these people is just what they need to know to understand - and maybe offer some help - a situation I have found myself in. I do not always shine, either - I have definite flaws that need a little nudge from my friends now and then. Does it bother you? Sorry. You were not invited to join the group, and your reading of these is rather like eavesdropping. Now then. You said "Like your therapist saying you should be independent, and that therefore I should buy you a car." Where the hell did you get this? My therapist and I never discussed whether or not I am independent because I obviously am. I did tell her I'd asked you for help in buying a car (not even a new one -- just one within the last decade!) and that you refused, saying you didn't think I should be driving. That she, nor my other health team members, do not agree with you is something I have already told you. But I have never asked you again - nor will I - because you have made your feelings clear. Recently you said (and I believe it will show up later in this epistle) you've seen me drive -- and didn't want to stand over my grave and think to yourself that you shouldn't have bought a car for me. Well young man, I have seen YOU drive, speeding and weaving in and out of traffic -- what they call "aggressive driving" and I have never once said you should not be driving. My Florida driver's license lists me as a 'safe driver' -- and I have never had a DUI. To get a Wisconsin license I would have to take a road test, so my ability to drive will be judged, as it has in the past, by people more qualified than you are. Then you said, "Or that my father said I should buy you a house but you don't want a house, you want a car. And other nonsense." Okay -- I did hear from someone YOU spoke to about the house, and I have made it no secret to anyone that I really don't want one. For one thing, I can't afford one - the utilities, the taxes, the upkeep make it WAY out of my reach -- not to mention that there is no way I could take care of one. Admittedly, I played with the idea -- checking out on line realtors' offerings as a past time, much as I watch HGTV and the availability of houses in foreign countries, I never said I wanted one, I never figured you'd come through with the offer anyway, and I only quipped about the car after you'd already refused to help me just maintain the one I had to leave behind in Florida. I'll get a car, young man -- and you will have absolutely nothing to do with it. You didn't elaborate on the "other nonsense" - but be assured that as self-sufficient as I was In Florida, I will be here. You didn't offer me help then, and I neither expect it or want it now. I did hear, however, that you were rather pissed that I moved out of Florida. That I don't understand. My family here had been urging me for years to move back to Wisconsin and while it was a hard decision to make at first, as my friends kept dying or moving out of Florida, there was less and less appeal to stay.
This sort of nonsense puts me in a bad light, which seems to be your intent. That doesn't bother me as much as the fact that you're trying to put your own grandchildren in the middle of something that not only has nothing to do with them - it should not have anything to do with them. When, after a Christmas get together, I am asked by one niece why things are the way between you and I, clearly things have gone too far.
No doubt if you could identify yourself in my conversations with my Facebook friends, you felt you were being put in a bad light. Since it was not my intent for you to read it (you were not invited) the thought never crossed my mind. The things you mentioned (above) actually had only passing notice in those conversations. What was spoken of was your total lack of respect and consideration, your disdain for anything that might not agree with your opinion of the moment. What was spoken of was the amount of hurt you intentionally inflict by your indifference and lack of any meaningful communication. These things popped into the conversation because these are things I discuss with my mental health team, and I asked my group of friends how much responsibility of this situation is mine, and how much is yours - an ongoing conversation with my mental health team. None of which is your business, really, because it is a matter of how I handle it, now what you have done, do now, or will do in the future. It is MY health it is affecting, my physical reaction to stress and the threat it puts on my physical well being. It is considered a crisis, and until I get it figured out, I can't put a whole lot of work into the PTSD and major clinical depression which has held me down for years. These people in my Facebook group, aside from being supportive, offer great advice and wonderful understanding and neither you nor anyone else has the right to demand that I not continue with these friendships.
When, after a Christmas get together, I am asked by one niece why things are the way between you and I, clearly things have gone too far.
About my granddaughters: Why ever would they ask if there was a problem if you hadn't been so obviously cold and indifferent? YOU are the one who causes that rift that they notice. And they ask me, too. I tell them I don't know. I don't know what is behind the anger you throw at me, the condescending remarks, the coldness. Honestly - I can't think of anyone who hasn't noticed. As I say when there is a gathering that will include the two of us - I try to follow your lead. But you insult my daughter and her husband, my nieces and their counterparts by telling me, "less intelligent people wouldn't see it as nagging, but I do!" when you accused me of nagging. I suggest to you that the nagging comes from inside yourself. I certainly never intend to nag you - but I realize that your perception is your reality. But your perception is wrong. Your reality is wrong. And you are right -- things have gone too far. Back off, show a little common courtesy, perhaps a smidgen of kindness, and the girls (and the rest) will stop asking you (and me) what the problem is. They love me. They can see when I am being treated badly. They love you. But they won't take sides. I won't ask them -- and I hope you won't. Now I will admit I lost it toward the end of that gathering and threw you a dart about men living alone putting on weight. I apologized for that then, and I mean it. I had just taken more than I could handle (and I got through all the holidays without any medication because I'd had such a strong allergic reaction to the one I was prescribed.) And I really am concerned, because your family health history on the Rampersad side is not good. Your heart is at risk, and I would hate to see you develop diabetes. You don't seem to pay attention to the family history on my side of the family, either. But see, you don't have any understanding or compassion for others. You make no allowances. I understand there was a whole lot about one niece's situation reqarding her GED that you didn't know -- and you treated her badly because of it. I'm willing to bet she hasn't gotten an apology from you for that behavior, because it just isn't part of your make-up. You'll try to make it up to her, but to actually say you made a rash judgement without all the facts -- to say you were wrong - I don't think you can do it. I am reminded of Tony's line, "You can't put in what God left out." Another thing you misunderstood (and probably have never understood) is Pop and I still had a sort of relationship. We'd been through too much together, meant too much to one another, shared so much and really did love one another a lot. We really were "Happy Together" -- it was "Our" song. When I made a comparison of you to him, I meant it in the very best way. You have some of his very best qualities. That his mind was not all it used to be toward the end is very sad, but there, again, you had no compassion, no understanding of what life must have been like for him. You were all he had those last years. He didn't understand what you did or how you could spend so much time doing it --I wish he did-- he'd have been proud. He missed you terribly - more while you were there and unavailable than when you traveled. He asked little. You gave less. And this is something that I have mentioned to my primary therapist -- you are treating me the same way. That means the major problem is not with me, Taran -- it is with you. My problem is how to deal with you.
First, my father asked me to help you. He did. And when I was in Florida, and when I was in a position to help, I helped.
I know Pop asked you to help me. He helped me as much as he could, himself. But when you were in Florida you weren't all that much help. Yeah, you helped me get the apartment at The Oaks, and twice helped me move. But when I was losing the apartment at The Oaks, when I lived in my car for 5 months, when I needed help to keep my car going -- where were you? Strangers helped me, friends helped me. And did you ever once say 'thank you' for my putting you in touch with the people at Honeywell? You disdain them now, but for a chosen few, but it was a life changing experience for you. As you said, your learning curve went straight up! So you see, when I was in a position to help you, I did. You forget.
He never told me to buy you a house. He never told me to buy you a car. He most certainly didn't tell me to put up with a toxic relationship. He *asked* me to help you. This I have done, just as Jinger has.
I don't know what suggestions Pop made or did not make regarding helping me. He never told me. I only heard what you reputedly told others -- and as I said, I never wanted a house, and having asked you to HELP me with a car and being refused, I never have (nor will I) ask again. As for a toxic relationship -- look inside, Son. If you have the same problems with me as you did with Pop -- the problem is yours, not his and not mine. Take some responsibility. Find someone to help you through with the toxicity that has shown for decades. People who know you and how you treat me (not just Honeywell people, but others you know in Florida) do not like you. They do not trust you. Some have been nice to your face because you are my kid - but really couldn't stand to be around you and witness your abusing me. Some of them refuse to even talk about you because they've told me how very toxic you are. Don't blame that one one me. If the only non-variable in multiple situations is YOU, you're the toxin. You cannot compare yourself with Jinger. Jinger looks out for me, cares enough to understand when I'm not quite all right, and includes me wherever she can. I try not to talk about you to her, but I had to admit to her - as I will to you now - that I has certain expectations when I moved here. I would be the older one, the one people asked questions of (I am) the one respected just for having lived as long as I have (I am) and one looked out for and loved (I am.) I trust Jinger completely. It is she who will make decisions regarding my health when I cannot. Jinger is the one who will keep after me to do things that it is hard to do because she understands how hard it is for me to do them. I worry about her because she needs to be working at a job that pays for her brain and her common sense, not her little body and its strength. She's up for an office job in customer service - she will shine there! - and I hope it happens quickly. But even with her long hours, she includes me, she respects me, and you cannot compare yourself to her at all.
What happened was, though, when you moved up here, I lost some of the closeness I had with some of my girls. Not Jinger - but the others. The whole bunch of them know I have heavy shopping to do the 3rd of the month and the 15th. They still offer help on those days or the days shortly after because they care, they know I can't get around, much less with packages. You can pop in for visits everywhere because you can -- and I cannot. I feel usurped in some ways by you -- and you cutting me off has made it worse, because sometimes the girls might suggest I be included if they weren't afraid of the coldness if you're there -- if you even agreed. Do you know I do not have your number on my cell phone and I do not carry it? I waited at the hospital bus stop (2 good blocks from the hospital) in near zero weather for 40 minutes rather than call you -- and you were right around the corner. Makes you feel proud, doesn't it!
In the process of trying to help you and trying to help my now dead father, I learned something interesting. You could even say that you both taught me this, since you're eager to take credit: Helping people isn't necessarily giving them what they want. It's giving them what they need.
I'm going to overlook that mention of "process of trying to help you..." you spouted. You haven't tried to help me at all since you've been up here. Wait. You drove me home from Jinger's once. I guess that counts. And I have never claimed credit for any of your accomplishments, nor those of Dusty and Jinger. You've all become who you are strictly on your own. And you are wrong (again.) Self-righteousness is giving people what YOU think they need. It's a control thing. It's the man who gives his wife a $1200 vacuum cleaner for Valentine's Day, not the handful of violets she wants. Helping people is making things a little nicer for them, a little easier for them, a little better, not dictating your will on them.
My father has been dead since August 2nd, 2005. During that time I paid off his debts, financial and otherwise, and managed at the age of 39 - 5 years later, and with the help of Jinger and Tim - to escape that gravitational pull. I have not escaped that nasty period of my life, pulling a living out of mud, blood, sweat and tears to enter a new gravitational pull. I'm 39. In the blink of an eye I will be your age. And as of right now, I have NOTHING put away. I'm trying to get ahead because my own parents weren't able to help me - in fact, quite the opposite, I ended up helping them and bleeding myself dry. Ever since entering adulthood, I've been dealing with the bad decisions that my parents have made.
I am glad you got away from the madness you encountered down there. The personalities and double dealings were more than anyone should have had to tolerate. But you know, you made a stab at trying to use your land, you had a dream and some downright plans and I was proud of your attempts -- and proud again when you realized you were up against more than any man can be expected to handle. It may be convenient to group your father (and his family) and I together -- but spare me, please. I was never in a position to help you (except for the introduction to Honeywell) and I am not a part of the bad decisions your "parents have made." You forget -- I was the one abandoned, I was the one who had to declare bankruptcy to get out from under the family bills when your father, directed by his mother, refused to come back and handle things at his job (he was still on Medical Leave for nearly 6 months after he left, and could easily have had that continued with a simple doctor's visit) and I refuse the blame you throw around in that paragraph. The fact remains, your father still owed me over $5,000 when he left -- and knowing that, he had no trouble sending me sufficient funds to pay for my divorce from Mr. Combs. But you -- don't say you bailed me out of anything. You never cared enough to notice when I needed bailing, and I managed just fine, thank you.
So now you're whining to all your Facebook friends the equivalent of how horrible we are. Yes. Myself in particular - absolutely terrible. And somehow you expect this to endear you to me? To make me want to give you what you want?
Call it whining if you like, but I have friends who have helped me more than you can imagine and all you had to do was block me - or not read our theraputic discussions (to which you were not invited) And you think I expect ANYTHING from you? You, the kid who couldn't even find a plain holiday card to give me when everyone else had presents and cards at that Christmas gathering so when the family asked me what you had given me I had to tell them ...nothing! (What did THAT do for your standing with the family?) I want something from YOU? I don't even want you there at the memorial service that will be held after my cremation. And just what is it you THINK I want from you? You can't give kindness, respect or common courtesy. That's what I want - but you haven't the capacity to give.
You can tell your therapist this: I agree that you need to be independent. However, I am unwilling to buy you a car because I have seen you drive. I will not stand above your grave - or those of others - and say, "I shouldn't have gotten her that car. I knew better." I do know better. You're not getting me to buy you a car. I can't afford to buy you a house right now, and it's doubtable that I will in the future.
Not to beat a dead horse, but my therapist and I do not discuss my independence because it has never been in question. I've told her your reason for not helping me buy a car and that I accept it. What I do not accept (nor does she) is your reasoning. She says it seems like you are punishing me. I'll buy that. But why are you beating this to death? I told you (and everyone who mentioned it to me) that I do not want a house. You've given your answer regarding helping me get a car. What is your problem? Why must you speak of things over and again that have been resolved?
Your behavior has pushed me further away than I was when I was in Trinidad. Your attitude, as if you are owed something, compounds that. I am left to wonder why it is that you are in my life. Is this the role you want in my life? You might say that this is part of your disease. You might even be right. But here's the thing: it is not *my* disease and I am not going to enable you.
Do not be blaming me for your behavior. It is your indifference, it is your coldness, it is your lack of concern that has created this crevice between us. Why do you feel I want something from you, that I am "owed something" --? I have worked my whole life until I was unable to work any longer, and I am still trying to eke out a little here and there as much as the law allows, because I am living on $855 a month with 30% of that going to rent and we won't even discuss how much goes to medical supplies. Of course this will make it easier for me to get a car, because I can't own one worth more than a certain amount or I lose some of the benefits I need. I am still not sure why you came up here. A new beginning, sure. Family that loves you. Fine. But you knew I was here, and you came anyway. I am in your life because I gave birth to you. In some cultures that actually means something, and mothers are held in high esteem. Of course, the examples you had about you in Trinidad may have influenced your thinking...I can think of several mothers of that family for whom I have no respect.
You might say that this is part of your disease. You might even be right. But here's the thing: it is not *my* disease and I am not going to enable you.
It is true that you are complicating my disease, but thanks to my medical team and my Facebook friends who won't let me get wimpy - I'm going to be okay. I may never be completely well, but I will be okay. I worry about *your* disease. It's kept you estranged from people for a long time; it's made you a controlling and uncaring person and makes me wonder why it is you are still single at 39. You in no way "enable" me -- nor can you: you haven't the power.
So take a moment and reflect before you write anything on your Facebook status that is a swipe at me, or what you think I should do for you. Realize that you're embarassing yourself. Realize you're making our relationship more toxic.
Well, see -- here's the thing. My last comment on that stream was, "I am forbidden to continue this conversation." Did you read the responses to that? Look, Kid, you are the one who "un-friended" me on Facebook -- you have no business reading anything I write to anyone for any reason. I don't think you should do anything for me - except the normal civility that takes place among people - and I am not embarassing myself. Your epistle, which I have been quoting in its entirety, is embarassing to you -- and that is too bad. Mommy may have more symptoms, and more severe symptoms - but Mommy is no longer the doormat you have been used to. I used to be afraid you wouldn't love me after I didn't go to Trinidad as planned, but according to your sad accounts of your youth, perhaps it was for the best you didn't have a white mother right there to explain to your friends and schoolmates. If you love me, fine. If not, I can get by. Remember, it is you who treated your father like shit and have now proceded to try to do the same to me -- I'd say you're pretty damn toxic!
Realize that I do not abide toxic relationships. Realize that I am starting a business, and that if you actually want help you probably shouldn't be spreading mistruths and outright lies to the people who happen to play the same games as you on Facebo
Realize that I am not tolerating your toxicity any longer. Good luck with your new business - but don't be accusing me of mistruths and outright lies! I have done neither, nor shall I. I don't play too many games of Facebook anymore -- and I sure don't mention you to any of the people in those games. I recently discovered I am in contact with someone I knew years ago via another network, I know you worked with her, and possibly others I knew at that time. But I have a group of people I rely on - and who rely on me - and if they bother you, perhaps you should be a bit honest yourself and say that perhaps you have a problem with family relationships, that you treat your parents with less than respect, and in fact, complete indifference. Honesty is good in business. It will take you far. She who I've recently come in contact with will certainly appreciate it if she is still the person I knew those years ago.
Realize that if I feel I must, I can and *will* clarify everything in a blog entry and let the whole world see it. That is what it seems you wish to teach me. Why haven't I done it yet? Unlike you, I am not intent on hurting other people to get my way - but make no mistake, I have the capacity and can do it. It seems odd that you would attempt to hold me hostage by what you tried to instill in me: fair play.
I take that as -- well, not a threat, exactly -- because you are ranting about a couple of things over and over and over - and I have come forth with facts I am NOT afraid to air to anyone. See, I have the capacity, I have been pushed to the brink by your insistance that I want something from you and your sheer lack of civility and indifference. Toxic? I'm done being poisoned by you and your little jabs and condescending remarks, your tossing blame on me for things for which you are entirely responsible. Fair play, Taran? Fair play has made me a doormat for you to wipe your muddy feet on. There comes a time when one must throw fair play out the window and give back tit for tat. Hold you hostage? Lord, why would I WANT to! I spent too many years of my life trying to win you over, trying to make up for the time we were separated - all it did was make me nuts, because you never made an effort to return the effort. I am not afraid to publish this. I may (or may not) remove all reference to your name, first and last, to let it remain somewhat anonymous, but you talk about truth as if you know it, all the while sharpening the sword with which you intend to dismember me.
So here's the deal: put your grandchildren or anyone else in the middle of this nonsense again and I will become even more distant. As for your therapist, have that MD buy you a car if you both feel so passionately about it. In fact, you might want to print out this note for your therapist and hand it to him or her. Tell them about how you use Facebook statuses to demean your own family, not just me, and make yourself the center of attention because you *choose* not to take action on your own. Hell, have your therapist call me. They had no problem speaking with me in Florida, or have you forgotten?
You're beating your dead horse again. If you want your family to stay out of it, stop treating the grandmother they know and love like trash. Be civil while in the same room. Don't condescend. Show a modicom of concern. I follow YOUR lead. They'll stop asking you what is wrong. Meanwhile, become as distant as you like and explain that to them as best you can. For the third time (that poor dead horse of yours!) my therapists know I asked and you refused to help me get a means of transportation. They know I won't ask again. They don't agree with you any more than I do -- but you won't let it be! As a matter of fact, I am printing out this blog to share with my therapists and perhaps a friend or two who will celebrate it with me. My Facebook statuses are oblique - if you identify with them -- examine yourself. They sure don't demean others in my family - unless you take our humor as non-humorous. Center of attention? I guess -- sometimes - if the problem is mine. My facebook friends gather around one another and sometimes it's one of us, sometimes another. I am not afraid to show this to anyone -- your attitude comes through loud and clear and is liable to embarass you into your shoes. Too bad. You've done that to me for years and years and years...paybacks are a bitch, aren't they! OH -- and the ONE therapist you met for 10 minutes in Florida had you assessed as toxic 'way back then!
You've poisoned your relationship with me. And should I hear one word about this AT ALL, ever, I will wipe my hands of you. I will make a public notice on my blog and explain my side of things so that anyone who researches you knows that the person you're attacking not only has a reasonable defense.
Ah! So here's the threat! Explain your side of things. Beat your dead horse to death again and again. Yes, I heard you might get a house for me per your father's request. But from the beginning, I didn't want it, hardly believed you'd even do such a thing, and that was that. As for the car - well yeah, it would have cost less than a house, but I didn't ask for a car, I asked for help getting one - one somewhere within the last decade, not a new one - just one to get me around. You refused. I got that -- never asked again and never will -- but I DON'T agree with your flimsy reasons. It is your REASONS that make you look foolish. After all, I have a Florida Safe Driver's License, great insurance rates, and NO DUI. And I'll have to take a road test to get a Wisconsin license anyway. So you see, it is your reasoning I find fault with, not your decision. I want nothing from you but a little civility, some scattering of respect, and an effort to behave in front of my granddaughters.You are the one attacking me! and I have more than a reasonable defense. I have the facts, the truth. Go ahead --Let 'er rip.
I don't want to hear from you. I'll be satisfied if I have to stop hearing about you from the grandchildren you keep putting in the middle. That's abuse and it's disgusting. Why shouldn't I be disgusted?
I don't put my grandchildren in the middle. I have, in fact, asked that they not speak of me to you at all, nor tell me anything about you. They just don't happen to like the way you treat me. Seems to me the ball is in your court. Do you expect me to just lie down and stare at the ball and do nothing? It IS disgusting! Fix it.
Now go talk to your therapist, unscrew your life, quit trying to screw up other people. Especially the people you claim to love. No, I won't respond to your emails or messages. You owe me a period of silence. I'm collecting it. Your actions will show me what it is you really want. And I have a copy of this message for anyone who wants it. Taran.
I don't owe you a period of silence or anything else. I've given you silence and I've given you space. I owe you nothing -- exactly what I expect from you. And here's your copy of this message for anyone who wants it...I will be flying it past a flag or two before publishing it - enjoy.
Epilogue
It seems your request for silence was one sided. I abided by your request - not even sending the preview copy of this as I said I would in my last paragraph. But you -- You have posted to one of your blogs the one of the most toxic things I have ever read - riddled with lies and malformed opinions. I am responding to it on your blog, but I have copied it and will respond to it paragraph by paragraph on my blog, here, in days to come. There are new rules. I am your mother. I will be respected. If I am not - in print, in person, in private or in public - you can expect to be dealt with at once, on the spot. You will not make me the center of your conversations with family members regarding things of which you have no knowledge: i.e. my diagnoses, my condition, my living conditions, my medications, my life, my friends. You will not treat me with the disregard with which you treated your dying father. He lost much of his mental acuity. Mine is still quite intact. You will not add to my pain as you added to his. I won't allow it. I've taken that power away from you.
No comments:
Post a Comment